My Heart .

VIII : Sun-Hee

He sat on his bed listening to Breathe and Ending Scene on repeat looking at the lyrics and listening carefully to the melody and composition trying to understand why his son loved these songs so much. He had never really thought too much about the meaning of the songs because just purely listening to the song itself was so relaxing and he thought that his son may just like the way it sounds. After Sun-Hee told him that she didn like the fact that Hee-Chul was listening to these songs he became curious about it. He looked up the lyrics of Breathe first, reading carefully he understood why Sun-Hee didn want his 5-year-old to be listening to such a song. Even though the lyrics are somewhat comforting, it seemed that she was talking about being incredibly exhausted whether it was physically or emotionally depended on the person listening he supposed. It was all about acknowledging this feeling even if you didn understand it and just being there to help them breathe. He was on the fence with this one, on the one hand he didn mind the message or the lyrics as it seemed to at least be somewhat comforting in a sad way but on the other hand he didn want his young son to relate to this song and hoped it was just because she sang it beautifully and he liked her voice.

He then searched up the lyrics for Ending Scene, he had to admit that he could understand why his son liked the song. It had a dreamy quality to it, a soft and relaxing ballad with super depressing lyrics. He was beginning to think that his son may be more emotionally mature than he could ever have been at his age. He couldn help but to hate the fact that these lyrics seem to feel like they were written based on his experience with his ex-wife, which obviously wasn the case because Sun-Hee couldn have known about his situation at all but it was clear that the song was about two people that loved each other selfishly. They didn know how to love themselves or the other and ended up losing each other, why would his son listen to this, did he understand the lyrics and relate it to his parents situation or was he overthinking too much. He decided that he would sit down with Hee-Chul and ask him directly, it may turn out to be nothing to worry about but he didn want to think about how he would feel if his son was able to understand what was really happening and connected their situation to these songs.

”Chul, can you tell Appa why you like those songs so much? ”, He sat silently, looking at his son intently while the little boy climbed on his lap and got comfortable. ”Which songs Appa? ”, ”Those 2 songs that you always tell me to play by Sun-Hee ”. The little boy stared curiously at his dad, ”Sunny has a pretty voice ”. He answered the question so simply without any hesitation, smiling widely, Min-Jun let out a chuckle and sat back feeling relieved. ”She does have a pretty voice yes, but those songs sound a bit sad though why don you want to listen to something more upbeat? ”, ”I like listening to Sunny Appa, I like breathe because it feels like she is singing it to me it makes me feel better when I feel sad. I like ending scene because it sounds pretty, I don understand what she means but I know its a sad song about losing someone but still moving on because thats what Grandma told me it was about. Grandma always talks about how sad you are Appa because I don have an Eomma, so when I first heard the song I liked it, I know its supposed to be sad but it sounded too pretty. I thought if I listen to it a lot Appa would listen too and stop being sad because even if we don have Eomma we have each other and thats okay with me ”.

He sat back speechless at the fact that his son was so thoughtful, tears gathered in his eyes at the thought of his son listening to these songs repeatedly so that he could also feel better. He hugged the little boy tightly and caressed his hair softly, he couldn believe that this little baby was already so mature emotionally. He couldn help but to feel guilty that it had taken him so long to ask this question but knowing that his son was okay despite the fact that he didn have his mother beside him was a huge relief. He had always had a very large support system and was incredibly grateful for all the help his family and friends have given him throughout the years but always felt like he was failing at giving his son a complete family that he knew the little boy deserved. Knowing that he was enough made him happy, ”Appa why are you crying? Should I put Sunny on to make you feel better? ”. He chuckled softly at his sons adorable pout, ”Im just really happy right now, these are happy tears. Im so proud of your bub, you
e so grown up already. Sure, lets listen to Sun-Hee, why don you tell me what your favourite parts of the song are ”

After putting Hee-Chul to bed, he sat at the edge of his own bed lost in his thoughts until he heard his phone buzz. ”Hello ”, he answered absentmindedly not even hearing the person on the other line greet back and definitely not registering who was on the line. ”Min-Jun? Hello? Are you still there? Is this a bad time? ”, finally coming to his senses he checks the name and almost drops the phone. ”Oh, sorry yes Im here, hey uhm no this is not a bad time I was just spaced out for a second. How are you doing? ”, He practically face palmed at how awkward he was being. ”Thats okay, Im sorry for calling so late Im doing great but I would be better if we planned that second date you promised me ”, at this point he was so grateful that this was just a phone call. He had been trying to build up the courage to bring up the second date all week, he was kind of relieved that she had done it for him. ”You seem to be more confident than I am when it comes to dating, Im sorry I haven brought it up I was a bit nervous about asking about the second date I didn want to pressure you or anything Im sure you have a really busy schedule ”. He heard the soft sigh after a minute of silence and immediately regretted what he had said realizing that it may have sounded like he didn actually want that second date.

”Im not confident at all believe me, but I really enjoyed our date and wanted to get to know you some more. I didn mean to be as direct as Ive been so sorry if Ive made you uncomfortable. My schedule has been a bit cra- ”, ”Sunny, I need you organize the set list for the first con-, oh sorry I didn realize you were on a call ”. He heard the soft its okay from her and couldn help but to feel guilty that she had made an effort to call him even though it sounded like she was busy, even at this time of the night and he was being stupid as usual. ”Im sorry I really have to go, Ill talk to you later I guess, goodnight ”. ”Wait! Shit, I didn mean what I said in a bad way, Im really bad at this. When are you free? Lets go on that date ”. He heard the noise in the background and someone calling Sun-Hee over, he looked at the clock and saw it flashing 9:30pm. What was she even doing at this time that couldn be done tomorrow? ”Thats okay, Ill text you. I really have to go now, goodnight ”. ”Sure, uhm yeah that sounds good, goodnight ”.

He groaned at his awkwardness, ”that was awful, she will probably never speak to me again ”. Did he just ruin his chance with her? he hoped not. Truth was that he was terrified to bring up that second date even though they had been texting all week, he didn think that she would want the date to happen so soon so he just enjoyed their little text conversations. He kept telling himself that everything was okay and that he would just go for it the next time they spoke, she had been the one making all the first moves so it was time for him to step up. Why did he even start dating again, this is too much. They
e not even really dating they
e pretty much just getting to know each other so why did he act like a fool when he spoke to her just now. He groaned again; this was so tiring maybe he should just stay single for the rest of his life.

No thats not right hell talk to her tomorrow and fix this. Its not that bad right?

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